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August 24th, 2008

ongoing theme

again, not much to say - other than i had to have my mother's cat put down today.

she was an old girl - somewhere between 16 and 17 (so i've known her since i was 10/11) - but had been sprightly and healthy up until last week. and now my mum is away for a few nights, and so we had to have many a quick phone conversation to try to figure out what to do. maddy was seen by the emergency vet who was lovely and said it felt like she'd had kidney failure, and that in essence it was a matter of time. the options were to throw all kinds of meds at her and hope for the best, but would mean pulling about an old old lady; bring her home and let her wait it all out - could result in fits and pain; or end it.

i'm sick of death being in my life. it's around me all the time. it's tiring, and saddening. and with maddy, she was old and had a great life and everyone dies eventually but i just would have liked it to not be happening now.

and the logical part of me knows it was simply like falling into a deep sleep for her. but the illogical part of me points out that she didn't choose that - couldn't choose it because she couldn't speak, and all of the what-ifs of the other options. the vegan part of me wants to ask questions about the ethics of me deciding when another creature should live or die, but i also know that that shouldn't really be an issue now as we've given her an amazing life for 16 years - if she was human she'd be 112 by now! no wonder we used to jokingly refer to her as mister burns as she waddled around the house. i know that this way she's definitely not had to suffer, and she's peaceful now. it's just hard.

edit: i really don't want to seem like a mardy little girl. there are nice things in my life. many of my loveliest friends have been spending the summer getting engaged. i'm in the process of converting the garage into a studio space for me. i start a silver jewellery course and a dressmaking course in a couple of weeks. these are things i get excited about. but i think all of this emotional battering makes me feel perpetually delicate. i want someone to send me something nice in the post - anyone. i just want something nice to surprise me and remind me that the world isn't only full or horrid surprises but nice ones too. hm.


kodamas miyazaki
do you really feel alive without me?

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