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August 15th, 2008

so what better night to reply to my dad?


I got your email.. Wasn't really sure what to say in reply. The following day (18th) was Paul's funeral. I feel like the last couple of years have been extremely difficult, and your choice of when to randomly attempt contact with me was both poignant and painful, despite you having no idea of why it would be so.

Paul had been suffering with both bowel and liver cancer for at least the past 18 months - that was when he was formally diagnosed, shortly after an uncomfortable christmas spent vomiting and sleeping. He'd probably had the bowel cancer for quite some time but had no idea and had put his symptoms down to IBS. About 6ish months prior to his diagnosis, mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a single mastectomy swiftly followed by a full course of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. When Paul was diagnosed, she was literally losing her hair and struggling to cope with everything else.

She has her hair back now, and has been dealing with Paul's death admirably. I can't really write much more than this because I find the whole situation both incredibly painful, confusing and something which seems to suck whole evenings away with no progress in my mind being made. I was feeling better this week, which is why I was thinking about figuring out what to say in response to your email. But even writing down just the very bare facts of the past couple of years is enough to make me break down all over again and I don't want to spend a Friday night crying onto my keyboard.

Out of the 27 years I have lived so far, Paul has been present and caring for me for nearly 20 of them. Despite me rejecting him for years, and being absolutely dreadful towards him, and resenting him and fighting him and having tantrums because of him - it was he who was at my graduation and it was he who paid some debts off for me when I completely messed up and it was he who showed me how to test the tire pressure on my car. He cared for me as though I was his own child even when I was my most horrible, and I never really appreciated him until it was too late. And I really miss him.

A friend pointed out that there must be some strange forces determined to keep the patriarchal circle complete thus making you email when you did. I have no expectations out of this correspondence, but felt it courteous to reply.

I hope this email finds you well, or better than those of us in Wulfruna Gardens.




kodamas miyazaki
do you really feel alive without me?

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